You Are Not Alone

Fourteen years ago, I delivered my son Gabriel Christian stillborn. At the time, I thought that his big brother's, William's, preterm birth, hospitalizations and health issues were some of the most challenging times of my life. Little did I realize that two years later, I would be faced with times that I found to be even tougher - Gabriel's stillborn birth, my husband's infidelity, and a struggling marriage. I was blessed to have a loving support network of family and friends, but I still felt very much alone. Stillborn births, infidelity, and marital issues were (are) taboo topics that people just did (do) not talk about. I had a hard time finding someone to talk with who had similar experiences, who I felt could understand the depth of my pain, my grief, my shattered heart. Luckily, I found solace in therapy and the love of family and close friends who did their best to empathize with me.

This past fall, model and TV personality Chrissy Teigen shared her pain and grief after delivering her stillborn son. She explained that she shared her photos and her experience for "the people who lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like." I appreciated her sharing her story, and wish someone had shared something like this with me 14 years ago. I might not have felt so alone.

Over the years, I have learned that our truth is our power.  Our stories connect us with one another in ways we may have never thought possible.  This post is for those who share the story of feeling alone at some point in their life, and need some reassurance that others have lived it as well. Time continues to heal the wounds, and it does get better. My husband and I rebuilt our marriage with a stronger foundation, we had two more children who have brightened our lives (making us a family of 6 with 1 in heaven), and I have grown to be more loving, more grateful, and more resilient. I am thankful for every aspect of my life - the ups and downs and everything in between, and I am thankful for all who share in this life with me.

Heightened Hope for Healing

Today, I got to tell my children that Kamala Harris is the first woman and first woman of color (Black and Asian American) to be elected Vice President of the United States.  Words cannot express what this means to me as a woman of color, and what it means to have my daughter understand the significance of this historic time as well.  I have been on such a high since the news broke.  It took a few days for the official results to be tallied.  I actually voted early on October 29th, and of course election day was Tuesday, November 3rd.  It surprisingly only took me 45 minutes to get through the line given the unprecedented number of voters who voted in this election.

With this incoming administration in general, my hope for healing is heightened - hope for a better, more just and equitable world, and a United States of America where unity, love, and peace abide.

Broadmead Recognition

I love the Quaker proverb “You lift me and I’ll lift thee and we’ll ascend together.”  One of the reasons I chose to work at Broadmead was because of the Quaker values that the organization was founded upon.  I loved the idea that Quakers believe that, “there is the light of God in everyone.”  It connects so well with diversity work in the sense that when differences create division, we can take a step back and recognize the connection of the light within all of us. 

This year, Broadmead was one of the recipients for the Chesapeake Human Resources Award (CHRA) James W. Rouse Excellence in Diversity Award.  I was proud to accept the award on behalf of Broadmead, acknowledging that diversity is a community effort – that it’s not about the diversity officer, but about the people in the community who contribute to moving the organization’s diversity journey forward.  While I was accepting the award, I was asked what it was about the diversity programs at Broadmead that made me want to go to work every day.  I explained that it was not necessarily about the programs, it was about the people.  I get to work with colleagues who know the value of all that we do.  And they do not just know this in their minds, but they feel it in their hearts. 

Leader in Diversity

The first time I ever took part in diversity training was in the late 1990’s.  It was a 3-day diversity seminar as part of my training as an Assistant Resident Director at the University of California, Santa Barbara.  The experience changed my heart, changed my career path, and changed my life.  On the first day, facilitators Lillian Roybal Rose and Nanci Luna Jimenez, had us break out into dyads and for 6 minutes each, share our stories with a partner.  It was uncomfortable (what was I going to say for 6 minutes?!), eye-opening, and life-changing.  I had never been asked to share my story in that way. I found myself opening up to someone I barely knew about things I had never really talked about, and wondering where the 6 minutes went.  Throughout the 3 days, we engaged in self-reflection, shared further experiences, and learned how oppression impacts all of us.  The experience overall gave me voice, made me feel heard, and empowered me with a purpose to provide similar spaces for those with whom I would work in the future.

After embarking on a career as a diversity director, trainer, facilitator and consultant over the course of about 20 years, it was an honor to be recognized as a 2020 Leader in Diversity by the Baltimore Business Journal. 

Older Adults Doing Their Part to Promote Racial Justice

In his video series “Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man,” Fox Sports analyst and former NFL player Emmanuel Acho read a letter from a white woman who grew up during the 1940s.  She wrote that racism was embedded in her experience growing up, but now she has been listening and is still learning. She asked that Acho and others "not give up" on people like her, adding, "I'm awake now and determined to wake others up." When I shared the video with a group of older adults residing in a continuing care retirement community, some of them acknowledged that the letter could have easily been written by them.

I have the privilege of working with adults ranging in age from their 60s to over 100.  They have taken part in diversity trainings, lectures, and other programs, including two trips to the National Museum of African American History and Culture.  While COVID-19 has kept many of them isolated from one another for everyone's health and safety, recent incidents of racial unrest and the ensuing protests have opened the door for us to engage with one another more deeply. Although this engagement occurs most often by phone or Zoom, and at times, socially-distanced and wearing masks, the interactions are happening. Conversations are taking place about race, privilege, difference, the messages about racism taught in childhood, and what we can do to make our community truly diverse and welcoming.

Residents have initiated several activities of their own including reading and discussing the poetry of African American poets, reading books by African American writers (including Ibram Kendi’s, How to be an Antiracist), hosting diversity-related lectures, and more.  Every day, the residents show me that age truly is just a number and that our self-reflection and learning about diversity, equity and inclusion continue as long as we are open to the journey.

The Blue Orb

The COVID-19 pandemic has shifted everyone’s lives across the world.  Since last month, I have been working remotely, helping my kids navigate virtual learning, and just trying to keep it together.  We are amidst Maryland’s stay-at-home order mandate which means that we stay home unless we are essential workers or need to go out for necessities.  I have been doing my best to stay positive, and reminding myself that as long as I stay home, wash my hands, disinfect surfaces, and socially-distance myself from others when I do go out, that my family and I will be fine, and we’ll be doing our part to keep others safe as well. 

To lessen the stress, I have been taking long walks in the morning before the kids wake up.  We do not live too far from a hiking trail so my peaceful morning walks are amidst some beautiful, natural scenery.  I took this photo this morning since the light from the sun shining through the treetops was breathtaking.  I did not realize the blue orb in the photo until after.

I would describe myself as a spiritual person so the presence of the blue orb meant something to me.  I looked up what it could mean and found this:

Blue is spiritually associated with psychic energy and truth. It is a very calming color, and many people associate it with spiritual guidance. Some people feel blue orbs are a sign of a calming presence or energy, while others feel they indicate the presence of a spirit guide in that location.

I truly believe that there is (and was) guidance around me, keeping me calm and at peace amidst the chaos and stress of the world.

Increase Your Impact

“You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” -Oprah Winfrey

This quote and so many other words of wisdom were shared at the Maryland Public Television Women’s Leadership Forum.  The theme was, “Increase Your Impact” and we heard from several phenomenal women who have changed the world by their presence, their vision, and their work.  More than 500 women (and some men) of diverse backgrounds gathered at Notre Dame of Maryland University.  Broadmead, the continuing care retirement community where I work, was proud to sponsor the reception for the conference.  Two residents and two other staff members joined me so we could represent our organization. 

Here’s a picture of me adorned with some of the photo booth props.  I am grateful to the organizers of the event, particularly Colette Colclough, Vice President of Human Resources for Maryland Public Television and founder of the Women’s Leadership Forum.  It was a wonderful, impactful, and soulful day personally and professionally.

Preparing Your Community to Become More Diverse

I did my first presentation at a conference for senior living professionals – the LeadingAge Annual Meeting held in San Diego.  I served on a panel where we discussed, “The Diversity Journey: Preparing Your Community to Become More Diverse.”  Broadmead is only one of two continuing care retirement communities (CCRC) that has hired a full-time diversity officer.  My colleague from Aldersgate and I shared the diversity journeys at our respective organizations, and presented alongside the president of Love & Company who covered demographic data about the racial/ethnic diversity of the older adult population.

Having worked in higher education where diversity work has been ingrained at many institutions, it has been eye-opening to observe senior living at its early stages of engaging in these conversations.  I often liken the CCRC environment as a college campus for older adults.  While everyone has their own space, it is still communal living.  There is a dining area, a gym, a health center, and more.  The residents are very active in organizations that they run (just like student activities), and they host a variety of activities, lectures, and other events.  As on a college campus, there is support for diversity, resistance to diversity, and all that is in between.  And just like diversity at a college campus, diversity is a journey at CCRCs as well.

Developing and Sustaining Diversity Efforts

When it comes to diversity, equity and inclusion, two of the most frequent questions I am asked are:

·         How does an organization begin its diversity journey?

·         Once an organization embarks on its diversity journey, how do they sustain the work? 

I decided to present on these very topics as the keynote speaker during the Chesapeake Human Resources Association James W. Rouse Excellence in Diversity Awards event.  I will outline just a few key ideas I shared – questions for organizations to consider:

Map it Out

In terms of how to begin, start with “Why?”  It is important to get specific about why diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) are important to your organization/community.  What is the business case?  What are the benefits?  How does DEI work align with your organization’s mission, vision, and values?  What makes this work effective at organizations is making sure that it is true to your organization.

Executive Champion

Who on the executive team is going to speak up and “champion” these efforts?  While it would ideally be the president/CEO, it may be someone who has the president’s/CEO’s ear.  Having a champion on the executive team allows DEI efforts to move forward on a variety of levels.  Whether it’s helping to communicate the value of DEI among other leaders and board members, accessing budgetary support, and/or supporting DEI programs and other initiatives, the executive champion will serve as a valuable ally to this work.

Similar organizations

Organizations do not have to reinvent the wheel when it comes to diversity efforts.  Explore what similar organizations are doing.  As a diversity professional, I do my best to support other organizations embarking on this work.  We learn from each other and use each other as resources.  You do not have to go it alone. 

While I brought up several other considerations about how organizations can embark on their diversity journeys, I emphasized that sustainability is about strategy.  DEI must be embedded into the fabric of the organization, ideally through its strategic plan.  Embedding DEI efforts as part of an organization’s strategic plan ensures that DEI is a priority for the organization overall.  It does not allow anyone to take the work lightly and forget about its value. 

Facilitator Flow

I serve as a senior instructor for an organizational consulting and training group called Potential Unleashed.  My colleagues, Jahmad Canley and Noah Prince, are some of the most talented trainers and speakers in the field, and it is a privilege to work alongside them.  I learn so much from them whenever we work together.  When we train together, they fondly introduce me as and call me, Dr. Jen.  I have to admit that it does have a ring to it.  Even though I really am just Jen (we are colleagues and friends as well), I appreciate that they acknowledge my hard-earned PhD.   

Throughout the last few months, we have had the opportunity to provide diversity training to the team at the Los Angeles Philharmonic Symphony.  As a trio and at times, duo, Jahmad, Noah, and I have learned to flow with one another as we present together.  There’s a balance and a synergy that is vital for diversity training facilitators to work through, and I feel it when I work with them. 

Coalition-Building

During the second weekend of January for the last 6 years, I have taken part in the annual African American Student Leadership Experience (AASLE).  In just the last 3 years, we have developed the Asian American/Pacific Islander Leadership Experience (AAPILE) and Chicano/Hispanic/Latino Leadership Experience (CHLLE) in order to expand leadership development through a cultural lens as well as build coalitions among these groups.  When I first attended AASLE in January 2014, it was through my role as an advisor to students.  I initially saw my role as a chaperone, but what I found was a conference like no other. The keynote speakers, the workshops, and the experience moved me like no conference ever had.  And if someone were to ask me what made this conference different, I would be at a loss for words about how it was not so much a conference, but an “experience.”  There was an aura of love, authenticity, connection and care in the space that you do not find everywhere.  As I process the feelings that I felt that first year and continue to feel every year that I take part, I think of the quote by Maya Angelou that goes, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Similarly, I do not remember all that the keynote speakers and workshop leaders said and did, but every year, I remember feeling a sense of connection with people I had just met as well as a sense of empowerment that we truly can change the world for the better.

Young Men Connect

I had the incredible opportunity to serve as the keynote speaker for a retreat of phenomenal high school men today.  The all-boys Jesuit school hosted this offsite retreat with the goals to provide a space for conversation and understanding, and to empower students to discern how they can bring their learning back to campus.  Like many schools (and organizations) across the nation, they had been experiencing race-related issues on their campus.  This retreat was an active step to bridge the divide among students and develop leaders who could help foster opportunities for connection among their peers. 

After sharing my story with the students, I focused my energy on them.  I wanted them to know the value of their presence at the retreat.  I wanted them to know that they had incredible power to do more than just good, but do great things to leave this world better than they found it.  I wanted them to know that our world needs them. 

I was so moved by the questions they asked, their openness to share their stories, and their engagement overall.  Having worked in education for more than 15 years, I had observed a good share of student posturing.  Often in diversity-related conversations, students posture by keeping the conversation intellectual and do not always talk about their personal experiences or share their diversity stories.  They act like they know it all because they read about it, but are not willing to engage more deeply in the self-work it takes to “be” about it.  This group was different.  There was a willingness among these young men to be vulnerable, which is hard for anyone to do, not to mention high school students.  This group was willing to “be” about it.  And from my perspective, it was a privilege not only to observe them doing the work, but to be part of the experience.

There are times in my life when I know that I am supposed to be in a certain place, at a certain time.  This retreat was one of those times.  I needed to experience the vulnerability of these young men as much as they needed me to help facilitate the space. 

Starting a Cultural School

As the daughter of immigrants from the Philippines, I recall the joys and challenges of being a young second-generation Filipina American, navigating a world around me that was predominantly White.  Even with my beautiful black hair, brown skin, and petite size, I found myself wanting to be skinny, tall and White with blonde or brown hair like my classmates, teachers, and the people I saw on television.  I was aware of my identity as a Filipina American, but as a young girl, I did not take pride in it.  To some degree, I was embarrassed about being so different from my classmates.  I wanted to look like them and be like them. But growing up in a close-knit Filipino family provided me with many opportunities to experience the beauty of Filipino culture – through family gatherings, my mother’s delicious food, my cousins who moved to the United States from the Philippines, visits to the Philippines, and so much more.  I just did not appreciate those experiences at the time. 

Now as the mother of 3 kids, I want to share with them the richness of Filipino and Filipino American culture.  I want them to take pride in their cultural identity, their unique beauty, their family heritage.  I want them to learn the Filipino language, hear the traditional stories, experience the customs, and enjoy the food.

I was lucky to find a group of second-generation Filipino Americans who felt the same way.  Together, through Katipunan, the Filipino-American Association of Maryland, we started the Katipunan Cultural School with the mission to engage, empower, and energize Filipino American youth to celebrate their culture and historic traditions.  The program covers a variety of learning opportunities such as Filipino language, martial arts, cultural dance, food, and more.  The pilot program was held in August 2017 and was so well-received that the Cultural School was offered in November and December that year with requests to continue offering this program.  For 2018, students will learn about the “Regions of the Philippines” with each of the 3 sessions focusing on Mindanao, Visayas, and Luzon.  We look forward to continuing to build the program and encourage our youth to take pride in their Filipino cultural roots.

Not Your Average Athlete

When our son William was an infant, my husband and I learned about a father who ran marathons while pushing his son in his wheelchair.  Like William, his son had experienced complications at birth and was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy.  As runners and parents to a child with special needs, my husband and I resonated with this father’s sacrifice for his child.

We were thrilled to learn about an organization called Athletes Serving Athletes (ASA) which empowers individuals living with disabilities to train and compete in mainstream running events by pairing them up with a “wingman” who will push them throughout the race.  When we learned about their annual ASA Runfest, we did not hesitate to support this organization by taking part together as a family.

RunFest was such a family-friendly event.  We pushed William in his wheelchair, his 5-year-old and 8-year-old siblings enjoyed the 5k walk, and friends and family joined us as well.  We even dressed the kids up in their Halloween outfits, and watched our fellow walkers/runners in their Halloween costumes.  And of course, there were the post-run activities and goodies that the kids thoroughly enjoyed. 

We loved that William could be with us.  William loves being outdoors and loves the stimulation and excitement of people around him.  As parents of William and being runners ourselves, we have experienced firsthand the rush of joy and accomplishment when crossing the finish line at the end of a race.  Even though we decided to walk, we were glad that William could experience that same rush as he enjoyed the outdoors, the movement across the pavement, and the energy of those around him.

What I Learned about Completing a PhD

If I learned anything during the nine and a half years it took me to complete my PhD, it was that completing the PhD was not about being smart enough to complete it, but about being persistent enough not to give up (and crazy enough to pursue it in the first place!).  As a first-generation college student, I remember being proud to be pursuing a bachelor’s degree – something neither my parents, grandparents or other family members in previous generations had attained.  At the time, I did not think that I would go back to school and end up with a master’s degree let alone a PhD.  And what I discovered during my academic journey was not what I expected.  I found that the key piece to my persistence and completion was my “Why?”  Why was I pursuing a PhD?  Why did it matter to me to finish?  These were important questions for me to reflect on because my responses drove me forward, particularly during those times when I just wanted to give up – when I didn’t want to read another book or article, when I didn’t want to write another word, when I didn’t want to transcribe another interview or analyze even more data.  Whenever I felt like throwing in the towel, I reminded myself of my “Why?” 

My “Why?” actually had nothing to do with making my family proud or being the first in my family to ever complete a PhD.  As a woman of color, I expected my PhD to open doors that might not open up to me otherwise.  As a wife and mother, I expected my PhD to expose me to opportunities that would in turn allow me to provide my family with financial stability and abundance.  As a Filipina American who rarely saw people that looked like me with PhD’s or in visible leadership positions, I expected my PhD to pave the way for those who looked like me to know that if I could do it, they could do it too.

40 Days, 40 Push-Ups

Forty days ago, I accepted a challenge.  It was a Facebook challenge to do 22 push-ups a day for 22 days to raise awareness about the 22 veteran suicides that took place daily.  You had to post a video of yourself doing the push-ups along with your message.  I accepted the challenge and decided to extend the number of push-ups to 40 for 40 days. In addition to raising awareness about veterans committing suicide, I also wanted to acknowledge other lives lost – Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, the officers killed in Dallas, the innocent lives lost in Orlando, Paris, Turkey, and countless others whose senseless deaths have left many of us hurting and wanting better for our world. I spent the last 40 days praying and pushing for increased dialogue, deeper understanding, connection across difference, and the healing of our nation.  What we had seen over the past few weeks, months and years was not the world I wanted to leave for my children or my children's children.  This challenge served as one way I would commit to changing the world.  I chose the number 40 for its biblical significance. Forty days is often considered a time of trial as well as a time in which promises are fulfilled. I took on the challenge because I believe that we can change the world one person at a time, beginning with ourselves.

Well, a lot happened in those 40 days:

1)      This push-up challenge gave me a space to raise awareness about important social justice issues and release a variety of emotions I had been feeling about our world today.

2)      My strength improved and the push-ups became easier. I went from doing 40 push-ups in about 2 minutes and taking 4 breaks to doing 40 push-ups in about 1 minute with no breaks.

3)      I was thrilled with the support of friends and family, and appreciated the opportunity to share issues I am passionate about while reconnecting with old friends.

4)      This challenge reignited a self-confidence in me that had been waning. I have become more focused on my dissertation work and am writing more consistently instead of feeling shame and being stuck.

5)      I feel like I did bring awareness to veteran suicides, honored lives lost, and shined a ray of hope that we all can do something to make a difference in this world.

6)      Overall, this push-up challenge was an extremely positive and inspiring experience.

 Would I do it again?  Yes!

Shine On

After boarding my flight yesterday, I lifted my carry-on luggage (which probably should have been checked in due to its size and weight) into the overhead compartment. The guy standing next to me stared at me in awe with his mouth open and said, "I was going to help you, but I didn't know that someone so small could lift something so big." I told him that looks can be deceiving (even though there was a lot more I wanted to say about his assumptions about me as a petite woman). Anyway, I share this story because despite our size, shape, background, color, sexual orientation, or anything else, we should not underestimate our own or anyone else's physical, mental, or spiritual power. We are powerful beyond measure, but I think we box others in with our assumptions and/or box ourselves in and shrink back from shining our brightest. My call to all my brothers and sisters is to shine on!